I started writing again at the beginning of this year after I experienced a great upheaval. My world was turned upside down and I was deep in pain. Pain is flagrant. It’s flashy. Pain is bold and obvious. Pain is like a car wreck — you don’t want to look, but you can’t look away.

One of the very few beautiful parts of pain I experienced in the last few months is the community that comes around you, if you’ll let them. I barely opened up — just a crack — and people swarmed to my side with love, hope, compassion and presence. I am so grateful for all of you who “jumped in the hole” with me (see THIS post to read what I mean).

Seriously. I am beyond-words-grateful. I probably haven’t been the best at receiving of all this love. Being loved is vulnerable and can feel risky. I don’t like risk. But I like love. So I’ll have to take both. What I’m trying to say is: I am so profoundly thankful for you and all your love!

When the pain first started, I thought I would get back to writing 2-3 entries each month. That hasn’t happened. The other day as I thought about this, I wondered why I hadn’t been more faithful to writing. I murmured to myself that I just needed to buckle-down and be more diligent about taking time to reflect and share. After all, this sharing really is mostly for me. I get so much out of taking some time to compose a coherent-ish thought.

But the words just weren’t coming… What does that mean? Was I praying enough? Reading enough? Studying enough? Was I a good enough person or Christian?

All of these worrying thoughts bounced around inside me as I stared at a blank page. Then it hit me: healing happens in darkness. The words haven’t come for me to share anything because I’m healing and I suspect I’ll continue healing the rest of my life.

In this time of active healing I feel like I’m in a cocoon. I’m being wrapped by unbelievable grace and love and I am so grateful. Gosh, do I need it. This cocoon of mercy is teaching me so much about God, how I can be with others and about myself. It’s raw and hard work. To be honest, I’m resisting it most of the time. But in the moments of surrender, there has been great joy and peace.

I don’t have a lot to share except what has been helping me heal. I pray that will be helpful for you too. Before I share those sources that are part of my healing, I want to say that for me, all of this has to do with surrender. That’s what is making this so hard. I like control. I want to know what is happening next and how I can shape it.

No one really likes to let go of control. Anne Lamott says, “Everything we let go of has claw marks on it, and yet practicing letting go really does make doing so somewhat more possible. Let go, or get dragged, right?”¹

So… I am practicing letting go — and there are claw marks everywhere! I am trying to surrender to God’s love and grace and hope for my life, for the world. I want to be caught in the universal flow of God’s mercy and I’m becoming more and more convinced that the only way I wade into those waters is by admitting my own powerlessness.

Here is the great news: I am healing. But watching someone heal is about as exciting as watching grass grow. It’s happening every day. We can measure it, sometimes. We can celebrate milestones. We can rejoice with the rain and sun and storms and clear days. All of it can be part of the healing. It’s just not always glamorous. I can’t promise I will keep writing all the time because healing is happening in the dark. It is rarely glitzy and often hard to see. But I know it’s happening. I feel it. I feel those wings growing as I am wrapped in God’s love-cocoon. And you are part of it. THANK YOU!

Here are some things that are helping me heal and may help you too. If you want to talk about any of them, please reach out! I’d love to be with you on your healing journey too.

• Breathing Underwater: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps by Richard Rohr.
  • I’ve been reading this and using the “Companion Journal.” Both are available on Amazon and worth every penny. Rorh says that we are all addicts. At a minimum, we are addicted to our own way of thinking.
  • This book has helped me heal as much as any resource I’ve ever found. It is not the easy, band-aid and lollipop kind of healing though. For me it’s been more of a “Stick your hands up! Surrender everything and give up your whole way of thinking to heal.” Yuck. But also, it’s the most liberating and life-giving way of thinking about God that I’ve ever known (that’s a big statement, but I believe it!).
• I’m reading through the Gospel of Luke with the 2 churches I am serving. I try to do this each Lent and each year it surprises me.
  • Adam Hamilton calls this book of the Bible the “Gospel of Nobodies” for its priority to those that society has cast aside. Jesus comes (in part) in Luke to show us God’s preference for those who are hurting, in need, desperate and destitute.
  • If you are hurting or maybe you’re feeling great, this Gospel is a beautiful, spacious invitation to move to the margins and be with those so often overlooked. That is the “good news” of this story.
• Most days I am listening to the daily reflection on “Pray as You Go.” (Click HERE to find the link)
  • This reflection is full of room in a world that can sometimes feel crowded. What I mean is that even though each reflection is less than 15 minutes, afterwards I feel like I’ve just spent an hour in a cryo-chamber designed to call my spirit to life again.
  • Each day there is a short song that helps “get you in the mood.” They are encouraging, BEAUTIFUL and reflective. Then, a passage of scripture is read, more music and some evocative questions, then the passage is read again. It’s really good. Try it!
• Kate Bowler’s Podcast: “Everything Happens” (Click HERE)
  • Each week she posts a thoughtful, spiritual, gracious interview with someone wonderful. She brings a funny, curious and hope-filled way of being that has been like getting a spiritual hug and I think it could be for you too.
• I’m also trying to run, workout, play tennis and golf, be with family, have good meals with good friends, go for walks, read good books, and watch TV. I’m leaning into counseling and spiritual direction. I’m taking the occasional Sunday afternoon nap. All of this can be part of the healing if I give it to God.

Last thing: All of those resources aren’t a challenge. If I was reading that list, I would think, “Dang, he’s doing a lot. I need to do all of that too.” This list isn’t a challenge or a “humble-brag.” Last week I went to Asheville and I did hardly any of that. And yet the healing is still happening. So be gracious to yourself. Be kind but be present. Try and show up — I think that’s all God really wants from us: to show up and be fully present with The Divine that is present in everything.

I love you and I am grateful for you. Thank you for continuing to show up for me. Bless you, friends. Seriously, may God bless you exactly as you are right now.

Grace & Peace, Cole

1. Anne Lamott in Breathing Underwater: Spirituality and the twelve steps, by Richard Rohr (Cincinnati, OH: Franciscan Media, 2021), xiii. ↩︎